When did you get so effing hot?
You know I love you (muchly) but how am I supposed to maintain any kind of put together look when you insist on stimulating my sweat glands so?
You see, today I tried to put together a semi professional look. And I think I made a pretty good effort: the hair was down (gloriously straight without any effort), there were pearls round the neck, earrings in the ears (matched the shirt too - I was on top form). I wore two shirts (to avoid wearing a bra) and skinny jeans. I did my face, even. But like properly. Like if I was going out on a date.
Honestly, I looked quite hot at 6 this morning. But like hot in a not hot cool kind of way.
By 8 am the hair was up, and I had a granny clip keeping the excess hair off neck and face.
By 9 am the pearls were off.
By 10.30 I had eyeshadow on my nipples and lipstick around my belly-button.
And it got worse. In spite of having drank approximately 8 litres of water, at 12 the heat was so manic that I thought I had a brain tumour and was scared I might die.
By 1.30, the pip-ache was so intense I was scared I wasn't going to die.
I think 'dishevelled' would be an inaccurate descriptor for the way I looked today. Something a little closer to 'shit' would be a bit more appropriate. Yes.
Since I looked like (total) shizen, obviously I had to run into super hottie-hot-pants ex-boyfriend, the Jude Law look-alike, at the supermarket.
I tried to hide myself amongst the baby spinach, but he caught sight of my sweaty scratchy self. He looked like he'd been hanging in a large fridge all day.
Jude Look-alike: Pant! Is that you? What are you doing and what is that green stuff on your head?
TP: Spinach. It's cooling.
JLA: What have you been up to?
Blah blah blah.
JLA: So are you around this weekend?
TP: I am. Why?
JLA: Having a poolside braai on Saturday, would love you to come.
TP: Poolside braai. Hmmmm. Will you be shirtless?
JLA: There will be a pool. I intend to swim so I...
TP: I'm in.
So, Durban, what I'm trying to say is, I'll forgive you for today's heat and its undesirable effect on my appearance if you could please make an appearance on Saturday. A bit like today. So Jude Look-alike doesn't feel the need to put his shirt on. At all.