Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Pant's Definitive Guide To Feeling Old.

I've always prided myself on feeling young.  I may not always look young, particularly first thing in the morning after a few too many glasses of wine the night before.  But I generally feel youthful.  I like jumping castles.  And I like playing in the sea so that I end up with a costume full of sand.  I sometimes get so engrossed in games with The Daughter that I get positively pissed off when she loses focus and chooses to play other with other things.  Like her dolls.  I don't like playing dolls.

But, sometimes, it just so happens that we feel old.  And I have a  (tried and tested) guide on how to achieve this:

1)  Wax both legs and armpits.  Not just one of each.

2)  Pour a delicious glass of sauvignon blanc and enter a bath.

3)  Apply proper make-up.  Like spend more than thirty seconds applying it.

4)  Wear pretty earrings and rings.

5)  Slip your sexiest little rokkie on.  (At this point you might find it an excellent idea to wear high-heels.  If you, like me, are suddenly called to the gate to open up for your brother, you may well find that you decide that you are unable to last an entire evening in said shoes, and you may want to rather slip on some sandals.  Sparkly.  Pretty.  But flat.)

6)  Drop The Daughter off with The BF (your people) and go out to dinner.

7)  Find yourself seated in a nice restaurant in the company of only men.  (This is a wonderful thing to do.  You should all try it.)

8)  Drink a few tequilas and some beers and perhaps a sneaky little gin and dry lemon.

9)  Agree to go to a local watering hole with men.  (You are, after all, dressed in an unbelievably hot piece of cloth and your newly waxed legs need to be shown off).

10)  Walk into watering hole.  Get greeted by horrendous stench of fresh chunder.  Gag.

11)  Walk directly to bathroom.  Wait in queue.

12)  Bump into human children that you actually teach.

13)  Hear "Miss Liner this"  and "Miss Liner that."  And, "Oh, Miss Liner, I like your dress."  (Gag.)

14)  Use bathroom.  Without toilet paper.

15)  Walk downstairs.

16)  Realise that you are a) overdressed (in that you have far too much cloth covering bits like boobs and bottom of arse) and b) in fact the oldest woman there.

17)  Down your beer.

18)  Move on to new watering hole.  Without any confidence.

It works, kids.  Trust this old lady.  Because that was my Sunday night.

In other news:  It was My Husband's birthday yesterday (so happiest of ageing days to you).  The Daughter and I baked in celebration:


1 comment:

  1. The Daughter is too precious.

    ReplyDelete