Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Leopard Mum.

 I picked The Daughter up in a rush yesterday. (We had the most insane day - never to be repeated and only made slightly better by the fact that my maid has been suitably trained to have remembered to put that delicious bottle of white in the fridge for me.) Why is it, when you're in a rush, that The Nosy Parker Teacher always wants "to have a word"?

Nosy Parker Teacher: Mum, could I have a word?

What I didn't say was: "Sure, lovie, you can have two words if you like.  And they'll be 'fuck' and 'off' - in that order.   And don't call me 'Mum'.   You are too old to have ever come anywhere near my vajayjay let alone out of it."

What I did say was:

The Pant: Sure.  Is everything alright?  (Having grown up being, well, myself, I know that when a teacher says she wants "a word", everything is not, in fact, alright.)

NPT:  Well, I wanted to show you some of The Daughter's art.  Isn't this one lovely?

(She showed me a picture of a house that The Daughter had coloured in.  She'd kept in the lines, but the house was green and it had a blue roof.  Since receiving the leopard print outfit from The Incubator I've decided to become The Leopard Mum. Quite similar to The Tiger Mum, but a whole bunch more lazy.   So I guess I have high expectations, but absolutely no drive to see said expectations materialise.)

The Pant:  But our house is white.  And the roof is red. I'm so embarrassed.  I'll have a word with her about this.  (Private word with teacher = problem, right?)

NPT:  No.  We're very proud of her.  She's doing exceptionally well.  (And this required "a word", now, why?)

TP:  Oh, good then.  So she is a model child, just like me?

NPT:  Well, there was one other thing I wanted to speak to you about.

(So now I'm thinking, "What? I have 3.7 seconds to get this child to her swimming lesson and you're going to tell me that she's cut out a star or a heart perfectly?  I get it, she's all super.  I'm very proud.  I promise.")

TP:  Of course.

NPT:  It's just that, um, she told Stevie that he was talking ... um ... bullshit today.

TP:  Well, what was Stevie saying?

NPT:  He said his dad was Superman.

TP:  Well, he's talking bullshit.

NPT:  That's exactly what your child said.

TP:  Good.  She's learnt how to identify when people are lying.  That's a very important skill to have in this day and age.

NPT:  Yes, yes.  It's just the language she used.

TP:  She didn't slip an article in, did she?  Did she say, "Stevie, you're talking the bullshit"?  Her uncle sometimes slips articles into his speech.  I'll correct her on that.

NPT:  No.  She cussed.

(Cussed?  Who uses that word?)

TP:  Well, where did she learn that word?

NPT:  You just said it yourself, Miss Liner.  Perhaps you should watch your language at home.

TP:  You used the word first, Nosy Parker Teacher.  Perhaps you should watch your mouth around my daughter.

And that's another trait of the Leopard Mum:  will not tolerate it when people think she's done something wrong.


  1. I put the wine in the fridge not the 'well trained' home executive, unless you are trying to tell me something.

  2. Ahahaha!! Love your Daughter.