The Rad Friend: What you doing tonight?
The Pant: Date with Particularly Beefy, you?
TRF: Jack Parrow is playing at Sasha. Should I put your name on the list?
TP: Big style. What time does he start?
TRF: 10. What about date guy?
TP: I think I can ensure an early end to the date.
My desire to go to a nightclub and watch an Afrikaans dickhead with an elongated leopard print peak rap about things like KTV and Murder She Wrote, instead of gazing longingly into Particularly Beefy's eyes, made me realise that perhaps The Pant is not in the dating space. I thought I was ready to date. I mean, I know without doubt that I am officially over Larry given that I consider him in a part contemptuous part sympathetic manner, when I remember to consider him at all. But when I said, "Down With Love for six months", I should have just listened to self. You see, there are too many hottie-hot-pantses out there and I'm a little like a kid in a candy shop: Can't choose. Don't want to. Not going to.
So I had to be sneaky. I like Particularly Beefy and I'd committed to this date (and even been excited about it), and so I couldn't bring myself to pull a dirty. But I knew I could get date to end early. I'm gifted in manner of inappropriateness. So, at 16h30, I texted him:
The Pant: Ready when you are.
Particularly Beefy: You're early. But we said 7. I'll pick you up at 7 then?
My initial efforts to start date early in the hopes that date would end early, were unsuccessful. I needed to be more crafty, more sneaky. I considered using my oldest friend Smelly's trick: drink so much wine that you pass out in restaurant - but realised that this trick would leave me unable to join The Rad Friend in pretending to like Jack Parrow's music later in the evening.
And so I attempted the eat quickly, leave early ploy:
The Pant: I am staaaaaaaarving (total lie, had eaten enough for four people at lunch time). Let's order this food, baby.
Particularly Beefy: We can order now. After we've sat down and the waitress has given us the menus.
TP: Guess I should've eaten before I came on this date, then.
PB: We're going to eat.. But let's just take is slow (Aaaarrrrgggggghhhhhh. Slow. What is it with these romantics?)
TP: Fine. Let's do it your way. I suppose you're going to order for me too?
He did not find this incredibly charming. So I was off to a good start.
When the food arrived, I decided that an excellent technique to ending date early, would be to play chubby bunny with my sushi.
The Pant: Let's see how many pieces of sushi we can fit in our mouths at one time.
Particularly Beefy: Why?
TP: It'll be fun.
PB: I don't know if you know this, Pant. But I'm an adult.
PB: And so I'm going to eat each piece of sushi on its own.
Uuuuugggggghhhhh. Adults. So boring. And so I had to try a slightly more cunning trick. I excused myself, went to the bathroom and applied lipstick in circles to neck and chest area. Then I returned to the table.
Particularly Beefy: Why have you got lipstick on your neck?
The Pant: Where? I didn't even bring my lipstick with me.
PB: Well, you've got circles of lipstick drawn onto your neck and chest.
TP: Must be hives. Allergic reaction to wasabi.
PB: You're allergic to wasabi? Why are you eating it then?
TP: I forgot. But I need to get home soon then. I'm going to be hallucinating in seconds.
And then I waited a few minutes.
The Pant: Why is there a polar bear eating with that family over there?
Particularly Beefy: That table there? Where no one is sitting?
TP: Must be hallucinating. I'm sorry. But I need to get home.
PB: Okay. Let me pay the bill and I'll take you home.
TP: What's the time?
PB: Twenty past nine.
TP: Could you drop me at Sasha, then?
PB: I couldn't possibly. You're hallucinating. You need to get home.
TP: I need to get my house keys from The Rad Friend and she's there.
PB: You've got your house keys. You locked your house when I picked you up.
I have not heard from Particularly Beefy since I dop n dialed him from Sasha at 01h06. I wanted him to hear how poes cool Jack Parrow was. Oops.