I got stopped in the supermarket yesterday. A man - a good-looking one at that - confidently approached me while I was waist-up in the ice-cream freezer, looking for an ice-cream for The Daughter whilst attempting to inhale glorious flavour of Almond Magnum. (Damn sucky diet. Been salivating for ice-cream for three effing days. Roll on Sunday.)
"Excuse me. Sorry to bother you," - my obvious displeasure at having been pulled away from mouth-wateringly taunting freezer scent was clearly visible - "but isn't your name Panty?"
And I was upright, rummaging in my bag for a writing utensil with which to autograph piece of paper/his pectorals/shirt in less time than you could say "what ice-cream?". That's not strictly true, although I wish it was. I hit my head on the freezer lid, popping glass sliding lid thingy onto floor and causing Supermarket Manager (v NB job) to rush over mumbling the words "silly cow" under his breath.
The Pant: Yes. Yes, I am. Panty. I mean Panty is my name so that's who I am which is why, I suppose, people call me Panty. (Pause.) Or Pant.
(I'm always stellar when caught off-guard. And eloquent.)
Good-looking Man: Didn't you used to work at Exceptionally Seedy Bar Cum Excuse For Restaurant?
I dropped the pen and pretended I was rummaging in bag for breath mints.
TP: I did. A long time ago. Guess I haven't aged much since then.
(Extended uncomfortable silence.)
TP: Since you recognised me. I mean, um, obviously I look a lot like I used to. Which means I haven't changed much. So maybe I haven't aged much. Or maybe spending so much money on make-up is worth it after all. Not that I wear much make-up. This is my natural complexion. Um....
Good-looking Man stared at me with a look of what I'd like to believe was lust but was, I suspect, most likely utter disbelief. There were voices inside my head screaming "Shut the efffffffff up" in unison.
GLM: Well, you used to serve my dad often. He spoke very fondly of you.
TP: You see! I'm not a complete social retard. Some people like me!
GLM: Yeah. Well. Nice seeing you again. Take care.
And he turned on his heel.
And I stood for a moment, replaying the encounter in my head over and over again. The ears were burning red that I had to stick my head back in freezer.
Thank God for the sensitivity of The Daughter, though. Because she looked at me and exclaimed, "Mommy, your bum looks normous when you bend over like that."