The most amazing thing has just happened to me. So amazing, in fact, that I fear it may cause this blog to cease to exist. You'll know that my blog, if you're an avid reader, basically is a rambling on the following topics:
1). Shoddy love life,
2). Large bum and thighs,
3). Unbelievably small boobs,
4). Job dissatisfaction,
5). Court cases (imagined, of course)
6). Stolen cars,
7). The Daughter,
8). Vitamin B injections (owing to depleted energy levels)
9). Small penises
and, 10). All over body pains.
(Okay, so the last two aren't really discussed by me, but if they were...)
Yup, I discuss the insecurities that plague me. And by 'plague me' I mean 'are'. I had kind of resolved to simply take life as it comes. Deal with the blows. Delight in the joys.
That is, until I went to collect my post this afternoon. I'm not usually a rush-off-to-collect-the-post-kind-of-person. Nope, I prefer to collect my bills when they're covered in gecko poo and other insect excretion that I'd rather not think about. But at the mo, I'm awaiting correspondence from suitably posh private school in the hopes that The Daughter will embark on a similar education I experienced: one that will aid her in flower arranging and beautiful gift wrapping. (I shit you not. I'm wasted on this career-and-not-settling-down bullshit.)
And there, between acceptance letter and excessively overpriced electricity bill was a little pamphlet the contents of which I'm certain will straighten out my life. Yup, the stars are all aligned in support of The Pant; given what marvels Master Zing can perform.
First and foremost, he sells a cream (free delivery) that purports to do incredible things. Like reduce/increase breasts (100% guaranteed - same cream???). And gain or lose weight. And (and this is one of my favourites) gain hips/bum. This self-same cream also fixes "tired no Energy" which will prevent the by mistake steek. And 'Strong Penis Erection/Libido Herbal/Enlargement in all Sizes". Which will be great, if I go see Master Zing (strictly by appointment).
By appointment (and I can simply type "Durban Central" or "Morning Side Windere" into my GPS and I'll be delivered directly to Master Zing's offices), there are a number of things I can solve. Like, I could Wanda back, under the "Bring back stolen items e.g. money, cars etc.) That would be nice. I miss Wanda in all her bashed up oldness.
Plus I could fix a variety of heartbreak hotel problems. I can "Bring back lost lover & make him/her to be yours." That would be nice. If I chose, of course, to bring back any of my lost lovers. I could choose to (and this is indeed might be desirable for some), "touch girls and follow you".
Master Zing, it appears, is a master of all life areas. I could get (according to point 11) "enemies against you", while simultaneously fixing (I assume) "court cases". "All body pains" could be easily fixed, and I could get some good luck.
And don't forget folks, "free delivery".