Thursday, June 2, 2011

Bumping The Ex's Uglies.

I bumped into my ex the other day.  Well, to be honest, it was difficult not to.  The man has grown.  Sideways.  A lot.  So, I suppose given that we were in the same shopping centre, bouncing off his vast flabby flanks was unavoidable.

The Ex: (with a displaced look of satisfaction) Ah, Pant.  How are you?  (You know when they ask it, when they emphasise the 'you' and cock their heads a little to the side?  Yup, like that.)

The Pant:  Thin.  And, well, I know the answer to 'how are you' but I'll ask it anyway - How are you, Mr Ex?

Ex:  I'm well-

TP:  Rounded?

Ex:  Pardon?

TP:  Nothing.  Carry on.  No wait, can I just take off my heels?  I need to get comfy for what I anticipate is a four hour long narcissitic rant that I know I won't enjoy and that you'll enjoy so much you won't even notice I'm nodding off or searching for blunt blades to end my life.

Ex:  Yes, well I've met someone-

TP:  And eaten her?

Ex:  We're getting married-

TP:  Poor woman.

Ex:  Lovely girl-

TP:  Ah, I see.  You haven't lost your condescending quality.

Ex:  Really supportive of me and my work-

TP:  You have a job?

Ex:  Got a new job-

TP:  You mean 'first job'.

Ex:  Really cutting edge stuff.

TP:  Spare me.

Ex:  It's got to do with...

And that's when I left.  Not physically, mind you.  My mind wandered off.  I was in a most filthy state of heightened arousal with Jake Gyllenhall; I was ecstatic.  Until I unblurred my eyes and saw the lump of lard carrying on before me.

Ex:  You know what you've always been good at?

TP:  Everything?

Ex:  You're a really good listener.

TP:  Ahem?

Ex:  We must get together soon.  I'd love you to meet my fiance.  Sounds so weird when I say that.

TP:  I'm busy-

Ex:  How about a braai at our place?  Say next weekend.

TP:  For the next million years.

Ex:  Call me.  We'll organise.

TP:  Yup.  Consider it done.

1 comment:

  1. Ah the ex bumping. I had a situation where I accused my then man of wanting to trade e me in for a thinner, taller, blonder, big boobed model. He denied it. We ended it. I bumped into him and his swiss airbag...