The Junior Boyfriend.

I had a boyfriend when I was 12. I loved him. Entirely. We slow danced. We held hands. We wrote each other letters. I wore bodysuits and green pleated jeans. He dressed akin to Axel Rose. We were like the all South African tween couple. People envied our long-term commitment (6 weeks). And then he dumped me.

Since then, he's been one of my people. You know, a people is a person with whom one shares a relationship that can endure a long separation in which communication is scarce and then hook up again and it's as though you'd baked muffins together the day previous.

Alright, so sometimes we get hammered and smooch. But that hasn't happened for at least two years. Although... come to think of it, we haven't really been hammered together in those two years.

Now, I might have been 12 when he told me that he 'liked a girl in standard six', but I'm going to hang on to the gut feel that he made a mistake when breaking my teeny weeny heart. As Julia ('yo Viv babe') Roberts said in Pretty Woman, 'Big mistake. Big. Huge.'

So, because it's what we do, The Junior Boyfriend and I got chatting about our romantic lives.

The Pant: It's been about exciting as fat free milk, Darling.

The Junior Boyfriend: That bad, Pant?

TP: Why do you think I'm sweating so much? I haven't been this close to naked skin since I can remember.

TJB: We're nowhere near naked skin!

TP: We are! Look over there! All those people in costumes, frolicking in the sea! Driving me crazy.

TJB: But you don't want a twenty-year old surfer coming around.

TP: I so do.

TJB: Really?

TP: Any age really. As long as they're fit.

TJB: As in exercise?

TP: As in I'm being hip and don't all the kids say 'fit'?

TJB: I had a "fit" girlfriend once.

TP: Yeah. I remember her. What happened with her?

TJB: Well, a week before she came home and told me she was a reborn virgin-

TP: She what?

TJB: Ja. She became a reborn virgin.

TP: Is that even possible? No. Wait. She got that 100% herbal cream from Master Zing, didn't she? Did it give her big bums and thighs too?

We chuckled at this point.

TJB: Well, now, a week before that revelation-

TP: Yup.

TJB: So we were getting, er, you know.

TP: Yes.

TJB: And things got a little steamy..

This was like aural porn, and I wasn't putting the breaks on. At all.

TP: Yup yup. Don't stop. Uh-huh.

TJB: And so, well, you know how things go, like in a foreplayish kind of way.

TP: (Um... let me think about that) Yes!

TJB: And the next thing she grabbed me by the hair.

TP: Dirty slut.

TJB: And said (baby voice) icky icky poof poof.

I deflated like a balloon that's come undone.

Who says 'icky icky poof poof'? Especially in that state?

Some chicks don't deserve lovers. Full effing stop.